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  2. Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart | TED Talk
  3. How to Mend a Broken Heart

For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on. Yet time and again, when we are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy, we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist. Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic getaway with Rich that soured him on the relationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was. And so she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in her mind, searching her memory for clues that were not there. Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?

Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it's going to make us feel worse. Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids. Kathy was going through withdrawal. And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him. Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix.

This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they're addicted. They know when they're shooting up. But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.

Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon. There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel. So don't search for one, don't wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction. And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it's over. Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back.

Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken. Heartbreak is a master manipulator. The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it. We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars.

All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist. Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days.

  • How to Mend a Broken Heart.
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Growth and transformation are nearly always birthed from intensely painful situations. Because whether we want to admit it or not, breakups help us discover ourselves.

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  6. They force us to. I developed these practices with the idea that they would help to at least keep an already challenging situation from being experienced as utter hell. So… here we go, my two cents on navigating a broken heart. Let yourself be sad.


    Someone that you deeply care for just broke up with you and that actually is a big deal. We merge into them and they do the same. Interpersonal relationships are so much more tangled up than we even realize. Death death of a relationship is always sad… but death is required for birth. If nothing ever died, nothing new could ever be born. So in many ways, this is the beginning of something new and different and there is something to say for that.

    Maybe things have fallen apart for a very specific reason. This actually seems to be how it works. When someone rejects you and breaks up with you, they are allowing you the opportunity to dive into yourself and to understand the feelings that are being brought to the surface. When things are going well no one ever does the work. Why would you? Otherwise we would sit in relationships for far longer than we should, wasting our life away with someone that is no good for us. And then if we fail to understand that this is a call to the self, we repeat these painful experiences throughout our lifetime…creating more suffering than necessary.

    So often clients get hung up on the partner. We feel this way because of the little understanding that we have of ourselves. We spend our whole entire lives relying on someone else to love us because we have very little love for our own self. I used to stumble through the world trying to avoid the pain…forgiving and attempting to forget the memories that had hurt me.

    But eventually life calls you forward. This is your time to really get a shot at cultivating who you truly are. When I started to look at things from this perspective it really changed the way I handled life and it seemed to change the situations that life handed me.

    Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart | TED Talk

    I got that little sting of heart break. Then I started thinking about how pretty other girls are and how much they have going on for them and I started to feel like a piece of trash. Somewhere along the way I finally gained some awareness and had a light bulb go off in my head. I started to look at myself in the mirror and to tell myself the honest to god truth about myself as I knew it in that moment.

    I stood there and rattled off all of the things I liked about myself.

    How to Mend a Broken Heart

    Then I confessed to all of the things I knew I could work on. I started to think about who I would be if I could be anyone else in the world. Who knows and who cares. Now, I am getting ready to end things with him and I am feeling a lot of sadness. I spent a LOT of time in Chicago visiting him though.

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    That might have made it harder for me. I just want to be happy.